35 Years

4 April 1980

"They say to love is to bury all the demons from which we hide ..." Cowboy Junkies

Pete and I were married in the Hamilton Temple on 4 April 1980. I was terrified! Deciding who you want to spend the rest of your life with is the most important decision of your life. I am not sure we really thought about where we would be in 35 years, how we would parent, what sorts of things we wanted to achieve together in our lives. But we did know we wanted to be together, even though we were young and scared. Thirty five years and 4 children later, here we are. A lot has happened in those years and we have learnt a lot about each other, ourselves, parenting, relationships and life.

Some people say there are no guarantees in marriage, I am not sure I agree. When I was training to be a couple therapist one of my trainers said "you fall in love and then you stand in love". I love this idea. Everyday we choose to love each other. During the course of a conversation with Mike, our eldest son, he very profoundly said when you choose to marry someone the choice to leave is over. 

In the course of my work I have watched as couples repair their relationships from affairs, try to improve their communication, learn how to understand each other better, love each other more effectively and passionately and be more empathic and forgiving of each other. I have witnessed as couples decide to separate and that has been very, very painful, particularly watching the person who wants to stay crumble before my eyes. I have learnt a lot about relationships from the couples I have worked with.

My particular modality of couple therapy is EFT, Emotionally Focussed Therapy which focusses on attachment. The theory behind EFT is that we are hard-wired to attach. In other words we want to love and to be loved! There is a lot of research that confirms this theory. It sounds simple to love someone ... but sometimes it can be hard. Seeing ourselves through the eyes and experience of the one we love can be very challenging.  Pete and I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly in each other. We have had times when we have wondered what are we doing and why we are here. But we have always come back to the point of 'I love you' and to the covenants we made with each other on our wedding day. The love and commitment we share has been a very tangible and solid thread in our relationship and very reassuring in those moments when things feel tough. Loving someone does not mean the absence of conflict or the loss of self. There are couple experts who believe that all relationships have some unresolvable conflict, others believe that the more differentiated we are in our relationships the greater the level of intimacy a couple can reach.

To reach this 35 year milestone in our relationship is a great achievement for Pete and I. We have not got here by accident. We have worked hard, we have looked deep inside ourselves and have been prepared to face our demons, those hurts and pains that we have brought with us into our relationship. We have been willing to change because our relationship with each other has meant more to each of us than ourselves. We have faced our disappointments in life, in ourselves and in each other together. We have learnt to trust each other and we know in our core that the other wants the very best for them. We have celebrated each others successes and helped to lift each other when we have failed in some way, whether that be real or perceived. We have shared a belief in our marriage covenants and the power that they bring into our relationship when we let them. We have wanted to see each other do well and achieve their dreams and goals. Thirty five years sounds like a long time but I promise you, it is not! We are still learning about each other and from each other. We still get annoyed with each other, but most important, we still love each other and we still choose our relationship.  

This may sound like a fairy tale, I assure you it is not. Nor is it a brag blog of look at us and how great we are! This is an acknowledgment of our hard work over the last 35 years and how we have learnt to love and live with each other. Our relationship is the crowning achievement of our lives. It has been the one consistent thing for the last 35 years, it is always there like an anchor keeping us strong and solid with ourselves and each other.

We have found the last 35 years the most rewarding, enriching, challenging and developing of our lives and we would do it again and again and again.  I cannot think of anyone else who I want to share my life with, warts and all! 

I believe relationships are highly creative and go through periods of creative change. Sometimes that change can be stimulating and exciting and sometimes it can be challenging, but it is vital to our relationships. Carol Gilligan, a human developmentalist once said, "... I have been married 9 different times and each time it has been to the same man." I love her statement ... we can keep creating a relationship that is vital and rewarding and brings growth and happiness to each of us.

The Taj Mahal was built as a public declaration of love ... I believe in love! I believe the most important and rewarding thing we will ever do in our lives is find love. Meeting that person who lights up our world and thinks we are perfect the way we are ... for a while. Pete has been that person for me.

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be, for
I love thee with the breath,
Smile, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
(The Brownings found by Pete)